Quo Vadis? .. Where are you going?

Saint James has grand plans and who am I to disappoint him?  "There is someone I want you to meet," he says, "but he can be a bit stodgy so you will have to be creative as to how you approach him." 

"uh... ok?" I respond hesitantly.  Jim continues, "I want you to go to Rome to see my old friend Peter. He will be expecting you."   Holy poop..  

While my Saint James, flaws and all, has become an approachable friend, Saint Peter is a whole other story.. Though Peter was said to have had moments of arrogance, a minor jealous streak in regards to time Jesus spent with Mary Magdalena, and Peter did deny Jesus three times, he was still the first chosen by Jesus. Jesus gave him the namesake 'Peter' which is a form of the word "rock" in Greek and Latin.  And Peter was a rock; stability and strength in the face of a chaotic decaying Roman empire. In the years following the death of Jesus, Peter fathered and organized the new fledgling christian church. And upon his execution under the rule of a severely depraved Emperor Nero (as evidenced in the mysterious deaths of nearly everyone in Nero's family..)  it is said that Peter felt himself unworthy to die in the same way as Jesus, requesting instead to be crucified upside down!!!   

Peter is one serious dude!  How on Earth will I make this work?

                                                       ******

I had a little sister. She was lovely and for nearly a year, my family was given time to love her and to learn to live with and without her. Life was filled with white hospitals, bleach smells, irregular beeps and a family that couldn't cope.  Years later, I moved to Chicago to work for the Chicago Fire Soccer Team and I met Judith, a strong, soft spoken Scottish woman who ran the Illinois State Soccer association with calm efficiency. Judith and her husband were blessed to have been given time to love their sweet little boy Euan. However, after Euan joined my little sister, Judith changed her life, going to work for an organization that had been a rock for her family. 

Almost Home Kids is an organization based in Naperville and Chicago that provides care for medically fragile children who no longer need to stay in a hospital, but are still not ready for home. While touring the Chicago home with Judith, I looked at warmly painted walls covered in friendly murals and pictures, I saw an inviting open kitchen with a large accessible countertop,  and I smiled into the big brown eyes of a gorgeous little girl who wasn't quite ready to succumb to nap time. The words of one particular volunteer were quite evident. "It isn't just about medicine," she said. "They also focus on the needs of the family and loving the child." 

Due to the compact size of Almost Home Kids, every single dollar has an impact; providing diapers, bedsheets, latex gloves, or even a Nintendo Wii among other things. And while providing a safe, loving place for each child, Almost Home Kids is projected to save Illinois taxpayers approximately 16 million dollars in the coming year.  As I looked around, I knew that I wanted to help. 

As 2012 quickly draws to a close, I put aside a pair of destroyed hiking boots and begin looking for the next pair. Besides visiting James in Santiago, my personal goal had been to walk a thousand miles by  new years and while I came close, even if I began walking now straight until midnight, I would not make it.  (of course, my distance is much more impressive if I convert to kilometers..)  And so my goal for 2013 becomes clear; walk 1000 miles, 600 of those on the Via Francigena to see Saint Peter in Rome and walk for someone other than myself...Walk for my sister, for Euan and for all the other little angels at Almost Home Kids. 

I ask for your help in this endeavor. Please sponsor my miles by pledging a per mile amount. One cent per mile adds to $10, five cents to $50 and so on and so forth. Every mile and every cent is a difference.

For more info on how to give..  
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/1000milesorbust/hiketosaintpeter1000milesorbust

For more info on Almost Home Kids
http://almosthomekids.net

http://almosthomekids.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Almost-Home-Kids-Annual-Report-2012.pdf

And Have a Happy and Healthy 

New Year!!

Resident Pilgrims

My City is dressed up for Christmas with white lights dripping from every tree. Tall grey buildings wrapped up red and green butt up against a cold grey lake; our own little sea. Churches with their alters full of rich velvety poinsettias, are lit solemnly with tiny candle flames as strains of Handel's Messiah ring out from countless choir lofts. The smell of infinite cookies baking dances through the air as a frazzled population races through final holiday preparations. A thin layer of snow turned ice crackles underfoot as impish children race from one fantastical santa land store window to the next, while in between random spurts of binge shopping, we smile.  My city is dressed up for Christmas.. and she is so lovely.


... And oh so far from Spain... 


My knees no longer ache and that makes me sad.

For weeks after saying goodbye to Saint James and returning home, my body felt tight and creaky, and my mind felt as though I had left it elsewhere. I ate like a horse and craved manchego cheese with an almost homicidal intensity. (as a side note.. manchego is freakishly expensive in the states.) I searched out Milka chocolate, mixed sprite with multiple types of beer (with some truly foul results..) and caught myself cutting vegetables in my kitchen 
with the same little pocket knife that had accompanied me across Spain.


I itched to walk... all the time... everywhere.. my hand reaching for my trusty walking stick. Upon returning home, I threw out multiple pairs of high heels, avoided makeup like the plague and I spent hours pouring over the thousand (or two) photos I had taken on my way to meet James, trying to narrow them down to the few pictures that friends and family would have the patience to look through.



I brought up the camino in nearly every conversation I had with anyone..
"Oh, you want to go out for thai food  ..Well, when I was walking to Santiago.."
"Really? You think blue is a good color.. Well, in Spain..."

And every argument with my husband ended like this...
Me: "I'm sorry, but when was the last time you walked a thousand kilometers?"
Husband: "are you gonna stop using that excuse anytime soon?"
Me: "Nope.  Wanna go for a walk?"
(...exasperated husband stalks off...)

I just wanted to be left alone to write, to read, to make music and most of all... to walk. As a result, I aimlessly followed yellow arrows painted on the sidewalk only to end up following a utility company's proposed repair dig.  And one of my many unplanned walks resulted in my getting locked inside a cemetery. (seriously, read the sign at the front gate ALL the way to the end!!)  On any given day my heart urged me to run back to the camino to carry on since it seemed that a  thousand kilometers wasn't a great enough distance to effectively walk away from myself.

I returned from Spain with a new desire to respect and take care of my body in a wholesome natural way, and to that end I joined a school of martial arts where I am learning Tai Chi from 'Johnny Cage' (a privilege lost on me as my first and last video game was 'Duck Hunt'... I am now vegetarian and anti gun..) I simplified life, cutting back on classes and students.. only to discover that while I truly enjoyed the extra time, I miss those students and their families horribly and am wondering if it would be a terrible faux pas to offer them a time back. As my fall season wrapped me up in its slightly less hectic schedule of choirs, students, masses, rehearsals, and classes, I realized that perhaps the camino was not about showing me what is wrong with my life but rather showing me that the life I have built might possibly be exactly where I belong. I have been able to find contentment and joy even as I search out new challenges and adventures. However, in the recent loss of our kindhearted sweet Indian grandfather, we see the limits of this life. We must live it every single moment of every day. I see our beloved Ajooba (grandfather) stepping up between my Saint James and Shiva and they are chatting, their heads angled together. They look up towards us, "what are you doing wasting time watching us?" they say while waving us away. "Go on.. LIVE!" 


As my horrifying sock tan lines fade completely away, I feel my pilgrimage memories take on a misty dreamlike quality... that is until one gray, cold in the bones kind of Chicago day when I open my mailbox and spot a slightly tattered envelope with the words "Par Avion" stamped ever so crisply. As I pull Jean-Pierre's lovely letter to my heart,  I lift my face and feel the radiating warmth of a beautiful meseta sun.

"And Now," I say with a hint of dare and mischief to my beloved Saint James , "What shall I do next?" 

Lost in Translation..

"Why do you keep calling me a shower?" I laughed messily in response and proceeded to explain to a group of french people what the word "douche" means to americans...

There are horrible stereotypes all along the camino, my favorite illustration being this...

Asking for Directions:

Germans will give extremely precise instructions, usually going so far as to draw a map.

The French will generally walk with you but will likely try to either seduce or feed you on the way.

Italians are rarely asked as they tend to travel in herds and that is intimidating.

The Irish will walk with you as well but will pursued you to stop off at the first bar for a pint. Hours later, you will realize that you didn't really need to go anywhere anyway.

There is no need to ask Americans as they will tell you anyway..

A Spaniard will point to the very next corner, telling you to go that direction and ask someone there. So that by the time you reach your destination, you will have chatted with at least 38 Spaniards.

On Camino, I learned how to say the word 'blister' in five languages, how to tie boots properly, how to sleep in a wheat field, how to make friends in any room, how to touch the arm of someone I am talking with, how to wash underwear in the sink.  I learned how to play more than six chords on the ukulele, how to let go of vanity, how to swim in a river, how to poop...in a field, in a forest, audibly with people nearby, in a bathroom so foul that I wished it were a field. I learned how to walk while looking up at stars, how to drink water from any source, how to kiss cheeks and how to guesstimate times and distances...wrong.

 I learned that harem pants can be worn by men, that it's safe to eat cheese which has been in someone's backpack for more than three days, that the 'C' on the water faucet does not mean 'cold,' that crying is ok, laughing is ok and shouting is ok. I learned that a chocolate bar smashed between two slices of bread does a sandwich make, that though it's hard walking uphill... the view is so worth it, that just because you don't speak the same language, doesn't mean you can't be friends and I learned that goodbye is never forever...

I sat at the end of the earth, wind whipping past my ears, and I watched the fading evening sun leap over the edge of the sea into oblivion.  My camino had ended.

While the figurative heart of Saint James lies in Santiago, marking the final stopping point for many weary pilgrims, legend says that were it not for the devil's interference, Jim's final desired resting place would have been Finisterre, the perceived earth's end. And so, after visiting James with Marion and Genevieve, I bid a temporary farewell and went back to Sarria to walk again the last 115 kilometers of the camino with my Chicago friend Barb and the wonderful friends we made along the way...Daniele, a kind italian man who loves God and mom and has a beautiful smile, Adan, a spanish man who taught Barb and me a long list of inappropriate spanish phrases (which we immediately committed to memory..) and Ash, a sweet tiny canadian woman with a quick humor, lovely blue eyes, and a 7 foot walking stick that she was trying to figure out how to take back to Canada.

I found myself for a second time with pained knees, kneeling on the unpadded kneelers in Jim's grand house. Except this time, I had arrived on my 33rd birthday, the age of our lord. I had thought that a second visit with James would have given me some sort of closure, but even as I was leaving the church, James was still talking. "...Jen, I have more to show you!!" And so with James yapping in my ear (I could be schizophrenic) I packed my backpack yet again and wandered west alone into a cloudy cool Galicia, aiming 90km for the end of the earth.

After hiking three hours alone and thinking about nothing but peanut butter and jelly, I ran into Henry, an american political science professor who I had last seen weeks before in Logrono. As we walked, we shared camino adventures and he told me that he had fallen for his walking companion, a lovely austrian woman who was trying to let go of a painful divorce. Before heading home to Austria, she had invited Henry to come and finish his camino by staying with her and letting her show him her life. He had quietly declined and said his goodbye. "WHAT??? How could you just let her go!!??" "I didn't see how it could work.. she lives here and I live in the states.."  "Seriously, that's your excuse?  When was the last time you met someone who made you feel like this? There are ALWAYS possibilities, ways for things to work if you make them!! 

Three days later, Henry handed my phone back to me while trying to suppress a huge grin. "This is crazy... this is SO not fiscally responsible!"  He was on his way to Austria. 

I left the beautiful seaside town of Finisterre behind and walked the final 3.5 kilometers (uphill) of my camino to the light house at the end of the world. I sat, contemplated, and wrote my goodbye letter to Saint James. Hours later, Henry joined me as the daylight weakened and together we watched the sun dip his toes into the ocean before diving below the waves.  We shared a glass of red wine, toasting our accomplishments, our camino, our lives and his impending austrian adventure. And as darkness fell, we took our letters to the fire by the ocean and burned them...our final letting go. We walked the 3.5 kilometers back to Finisterre and our beds quietly, the sea on one side, the road on the other, the humid wind racing past our ears, the smell of salt and pine filling our lungs, the flickering light from the lighthouse mingling with the pale beauty of the stars. The next morning we boarded a bus back to Santiago.

"James, I am at your house for the third time and I am wondering at what point you will begin asking for rent.." "Why now, of course! You see the collection boxes and the women begging at the entrances." "But James, I am nervous to leave you. I know that it's time to go home, but I feel like I should start my camino all over again." "Jen, you can't use me to hide from the world, but at the same time, don't think that we are finished, you and I..." 

Unfortunate Cornfields..

"Jim, you totally suck! You had a wild party without me.. I had to read about it in the newspaper!!" James looks sheepishly at the ground,"Yeah, it was quite the fete...but you will be here soon and I hear that you are bringing cake."

I looked over at Marion in the dark, her eyes open, her hands reaching for her phone to check the time. I could hear Genevieve rustling around in the bunk above me. "It´s time," we whisper, sneaking quietly out of the albergue and stealing into the cool humid night air. We looked at eachother, each with a mischievous gleam and a silent smile. "Thirly kilometers to cover and it´s only 2am... we will meet James by morning." We head off on the path through dense forests, our walking sticks clicking, our tiny flashlights flickering, the air smelling of warm pine, dogs alone announcing our arrival into each tiny town between us and Santiago. Distorted shadows danced before us as a moonless sky dangled massive stars above our heads with the big dipper looking close enough to scoop us up and deposit us at James´ feet...

I had considered leaving a note of apology for the farmer but I didn´t know how to word it in spanish.. 

"To the owner of this lovely cornfield, I am truly, TRULY sorry about what I did in your field. I realize that there is nothing that those particular stalks of corn did to deserve such a fate.. But believe me when I say; James made me do it!" I had made it successfully through my entire pilgrimage with my stomach in tact but James said that he wanted my last night to be a truly memorable story. So it was not until my final race to Santiago that I was brought low by a questionable creamy dessert at dinner. However, one is not a true pilgrim until one has pooped in a pitch black forest at four in the morning...and again one hour later in the aformentioned unfortunate cornfield. 

We could tell that our pilgrimage was in its final days when our conversations had changed from deep conversations about love, family and the meaning of life to food, poop, and sex and a ranking of their importance. Everyone seemed to have an engaging embarrasing story of loose bowels. Genevieve had her moment while hiding behind a garbage can, praying that no one would look out the window during seista, and Matt had a period of a couple days when he would just disappear midsentence in a mad race for a toilet (or a large bush.) And as for food conversations.. I have learned never to mention that I am hungry to anyone who is french as that person will immediately begin to describe delicious foods with such eloquence and poetry that I begin to hallucinate.. 

The sun had risen over the trees, filtering through a misty haze. A frail rainbow rose above the western horizon pointing us on to Santiago. Marion, Genevieve and I stopped five kilometers outside of the city, momentarily afraid to go on. "Are we ready to finish?" We had lit two candles the day before to celebrate Genevieve´s two months on the camino. She and Marion were about to finish a journey of 1600 kilometers from Le Puy to Santiago, twice my distance of a mere 800km. We were nervous. We walked anxiously through the outskirts of town, straining our necks for a glance of the cathedral spires. One block away we saw the church peaking through the beautiful old buildings and our hearts sped. Our tired feet raced and as we burst into the open courtyard of James´ house, we burst into tears. We had arrived; tarte de Santiago and champagne (cava) in hand.(note to self.. never buy cheap champagne when in the presence of anyone french.. it´s not worth the amount of time they will spend bitching..) We ate drank and cried, smiles beaming through our tears.

"I loved having you here, I hope you know that you can come back anytime!" James says with the warmth of an indulgent uncle."Really Jim? Thanks! How does next week work for you?"

Well, Hello Jim!!  

Spicy Pilgrims

I see Saint James Everywhere!! (and not just in my head.) In many depictions , he is astride a white horse with his lance pointing down towards the heads of unfortunate infidels. ´The Moor Slayer,´ they call my James. In the centuries when miracles began to be attributed to James on the western coast of Spain, much of the Iberian penninsula was under moorish control. However, more than one history book mentions that the society  under the Moors was one of the most religiously tolerant and artistically flourishing societies of it´s time. But as they began pushing further north, catholics pushed back south. And once Charlemagne got involved... well, it was only a matter of time (centuries) till the Spanish inquisition.  Legends place Saint James and his horse riding to the rescue time and time again, indiscriminantly vanquishing enemies of the christians and saving Iberia for the catholics. "Are the legends true James??" I ask.  He just smiles, "What do you think, Jen.."

"J'adorrrrrre le sex," Matt drawled, putting an Eartha Kitt style growl on his "r" and motioning as though smoking a cigarette and blowing out tiny seductive smoke rings.  Topping 6ft 4inches and as gorgeous inside as he is on the outside, Matt has become one of my favorite people of the camino.  He is a beautifully built blonde man with intelligent blue eyes and a mouth that comfortably wraps itself around countless languages. He is truly lovely, but despite his outrageous appeal, he was unhappy. And so one day, he left his job and walked out his front door towards Saint James.  He has since walked a couple thousand kilometers and is ready to soon meet Saint James with his mom at his side. (seriously, can this man be any more sexy!!)  We all sat around a large table in an open square of Leon, the sun setting behind ornate buildings as we sipped our beers and listened to Matt describe his encounter earlier in his camino with Dolores, a woman in her 60s with a lust for life and an appreciation for beautiful men. Dolores had walked the french side of the camino along side, Matt, Genevieve, and the others who came from Le Puy. And though I never had the chance to meet her, I find myself wanting to be like her as I aquire more years... full of life and just a little bit spicy.. (Matt requested that I make it perfectly clear that though he and Dolores had a hostel all to themselves back in France.. he did NOT sleep with her..)

                                                                 *****

¨The camino has four parts,¨ Blas said, recounting the wisdom he had heard from a priest earlier on in his camino. ¨From St Jean to Burgos, a pilgrim is learning his body, adjusting to his backpack, his shoes, dealing with blisters and aches. From Burgos to Leon, his demons surface with the heat of the meseta, attacking and tearing him down from all sides. From Leon to Santiago, our pilgrim lifts his head and rebuilds himself, having learned from the force of his weaknessess. And finally, from Santiago to Finisterra, our pilgrim meets his new self.¨ Blas then added that the wise priest was on his second trip to Santiago because he had not been happy with the new self he met the first time.

I discovered on this camino that I actually carry a lot more sadness through my life than I was aware of. I have always been comfortable recounting details of my life as simple facts minus the sting, but somewhere between Burgos and Leon, I realized that I had merely been pretending. As the brutally hot meseta scorched my body, the stark monotony of the wheat fields forced my brain to analyze the state of my life. I am not ok with things as they are. I am tired of the fearful balancing act that is my relationship with my mother and I actually am hurt that my father still hasn´t acknowledged me as his daughter. I am frusterated with my need to bury myself in work each time a holiday rolls around in order to avoid reality.

The meseta forced thoughts of my husband as well. He is a good man with an unscarred soul and a paralyzing fear of elevators. When he steps into an elevator, and the doors shut behind him, he feels his heart rate speed and the walls close in. I feel the same about marriage.. and by ignoring the damage done by a less than ideal childhood, I am cheating my husband of having a real wife. I don´t how to be married or to be a mother and I fear every day that in trying, I will regress to what I grew up with. Marriage terrifies me as it gives me the perfect opportunity to fail loudly and miserably. And so rather than approach my marriage rationally as an adult, I have hidden like a child, filling my time to the max, accepting too many students, too many commitments, too many gigs, saying yes to everyone but my husband... turning my husband into just a roomate. St James may or may not have been a Moor slayer, but his meseta slays pilgrims everyday, causing us to water the dry cracked earth with our snot and tears.

*****

"Un, deux, trois.." Marion, Genevieve, Isabelle and I sat in a dusty, tiny town near the top of a mountain. "Huit, nuef, dix.." Goats walked past the door as Genevieve reached for the one remaining slice of cheese not touching the meat. "Onze, douze, treize.." I lifted my wineglass to wash down a delicious veggie paella. "Quinze, seize, dix-sept.." A man at the end of the table scratched obsessively at his bed bug bites. "Dix-huit, dix-neuf...DIX-NEUF!!" Isabelle looked up from picking her feet at the dinner table. "Est-ce que je pourrais  mourir a cause des ampoules!??" (Could I die from too many blisters??) As she pushed on one toe nail, puss squirted out the top.  A few days later, we bought cake and lit a candle in honour of Isabelle´s 20th blister.

*****

We have laid our stones and prayers down at Cruz de Ferro and as the hill of pilgrim´s stones appeared, I heard myself say "Oh no, I am not ready!" We have crossed into a lush misty Galicia and as we see the kilometer markers ticking from triple digits into mere double digits, we are looking to Santiago with wild anticipation and paralyzing fear. What versions of our lives will we go home to when we leave eachother and James behind..

These last few days have been a time for realizing how transient our final camino moments are. People who I was sure I had seen for the last time have turned up for one more conversation.  I said goodbye to Matt as he left for the next town, his eyes looking to see James in a matter of days. "We will keep in touch," we say as we reach for one last hug. He smiles brightly, blows a kiss, and heads off to meet his new self.

Blas and Leopold, two american boys who actually chose their alter ego blog names, turned up at the breakfast table at the top of a mountain. Along with the adorable young korean girl Jay, we spent the day walking together. Blas, an attractive college kid studying recording engineering on the east coast, had spent another day a couple weeks back chatting with me about music and potential career paths. His cousin, Leopold (seriously.. Leopold??) is a tall student of medieval history who occasionally goes into tour guide mode.. but he has such an endearing smile. Together they have a quirky sense of humor and a wrecklessness that allows them to take up any dare. Alongside Jay, with her cute clumsiness and innability to turn down food, we laughed all the way from O´Cebreiro to Triacastela. They made fun of me, Nico, and everyone else so effectively that I had to stop walking long enough to keep from peeing myself. Perhaps life is too funny to be sad.  

Isabelle has left us to rejoin her Michel and to fight for being in love. They have raced ahead along with Blas and Leopold to arrive in Santiago on July 25th..the feast day of Saint James. Nico will meet James on the night of the 24th and Matt will arrive to meet his parents on the 26th. Marion, Genevieve and I have our own grand plan for meeting Jim.. But I will write about that once implemented ;)  We are all racing for the chance to start our lives over; wiser, stronger, and with more compassion..

"What should I do about my husband?" I ask. James snort laughs a minute before responding, "You´re asking the wrong question. The real question is what should your husband do about you?" "Gee thanks Jim, you´re such an ass!" James winks, "Whatever you say Jen. But excuse me while I put the kettle on... you are nearly here."