Nico and I had spent the entire day walking together about 70 kilometers east of Burgos. The rolling hills of the Pyrenees had long since given way to the vinards of Rioja only to be followed by the dreaded unbroken horizons of wheat. We took advantage of the thirty kilometers we had to cover by sharing stories of our pasts, our present and our hopes for the future. We talked politics, family, jobs, my students, his little girl, past relationships etc.. We simply talked in a way that could never be possible in normal life. We had hours! We parted ways in Burgos when I needed to slow down and he was ready to cover more ground but I was happy that I had had a chance to learn about Nico. However, I found out a couple days later that he had walked ahead and had said things about me that were not kind. I also learned that many of the things he had said to me were not based in truth. I felt blindsided.
St James is pissed off at me though. I caught up with Nico a few days later in Leon and took the opportunity to let him know exactly what I thought of him (I may have let an entire city block know.. I need to work on being more subtle.) When I walked away from him, I felt powerful and happy...ready to start my camino again.. But the very next day James started bitching at me. ¨Really Jen,¨ he said with a dry sarcasm. ¨Do you think that you are the only one who can be hurt? Haven´t you learned anything at all!?? Maybe you need to start your camino from a bit further back.. Perhaps from China!¨
James knows that I am getting closer and the lessons are becoming more condensed. He is mad that I wasted a large part of my camino racing after others rather than racing towards him. I crossed the dreaded mesa and barely looked up in my efforts to cover 40 kilometers a day. My body grew stronger as I pushed harder but my impatience with myself and my own stupidity mounted. I stopped listening to James.
But now I am trying to listen. St James is talking a mile a minute, keeping me up at night while others snore away. He tells me that the camino is not about a fun walk across Spain, but is rather a chance to take one´s heart and soul apart only to put them back together more completely. The main problem though is that rather than having the aid of anestesia.. one is given a San Miguel (spanish Budweiser... they sell beer in vending machines here!!)
There are simple things that have become true luxuries.. proper sized bath towels, bed sheets, a hot bath, a washing machine.. Restaurants see pilgrims coming a mile away as we steal toilet paper, horde sugar and marmalade packets, and leave piles of dirt and dust where our boots rested. I have long since given up on my boots, walking the last 200 kilometers in my Teva sandals and socks. (truly a sexy combination..) I am proud of how my body is taking shape.. However, my tans lines are horrifying and from here on, my feet should only be viewed in the dark. But I am stronger that I thought.
I started my camino alone but I know I will not be finishing alone. I am currently walking with Isabelle from my last post, her friend Genevieve who almost, ALMOST makes smoking look sexy, and Marion, with her youthful angelic face. They have forced me to stop running from myself. We explored beautiful Leon together, taking pictures and eating everything in sight. We comforted eachother in Astorga, while eating obsene amounts of local chocolate. And tomorrow we will pamper ourselves in a hotel in Ponferrada. They are saving me even as I am unaware I need saving. In Astorga, I walked alone to visit Gaudi´s stunning ornate church and I walked each section looking right through the beauty, seeing nothing but my own flaws and fears. As I wandered back towards the hostel, lost in my own dark thoughts, I heard my name shouted times three across a large square and I looked up to see the laughing faces of my three beautiful guardian angels. James is waiting for us.
