Spicy Pilgrims

I see Saint James Everywhere!! (and not just in my head.) In many depictions , he is astride a white horse with his lance pointing down towards the heads of unfortunate infidels. ´The Moor Slayer,´ they call my James. In the centuries when miracles began to be attributed to James on the western coast of Spain, much of the Iberian penninsula was under moorish control. However, more than one history book mentions that the society  under the Moors was one of the most religiously tolerant and artistically flourishing societies of it´s time. But as they began pushing further north, catholics pushed back south. And once Charlemagne got involved... well, it was only a matter of time (centuries) till the Spanish inquisition.  Legends place Saint James and his horse riding to the rescue time and time again, indiscriminantly vanquishing enemies of the christians and saving Iberia for the catholics. "Are the legends true James??" I ask.  He just smiles, "What do you think, Jen.."

"J'adorrrrrre le sex," Matt drawled, putting an Eartha Kitt style growl on his "r" and motioning as though smoking a cigarette and blowing out tiny seductive smoke rings.  Topping 6ft 4inches and as gorgeous inside as he is on the outside, Matt has become one of my favorite people of the camino.  He is a beautifully built blonde man with intelligent blue eyes and a mouth that comfortably wraps itself around countless languages. He is truly lovely, but despite his outrageous appeal, he was unhappy. And so one day, he left his job and walked out his front door towards Saint James.  He has since walked a couple thousand kilometers and is ready to soon meet Saint James with his mom at his side. (seriously, can this man be any more sexy!!)  We all sat around a large table in an open square of Leon, the sun setting behind ornate buildings as we sipped our beers and listened to Matt describe his encounter earlier in his camino with Dolores, a woman in her 60s with a lust for life and an appreciation for beautiful men. Dolores had walked the french side of the camino along side, Matt, Genevieve, and the others who came from Le Puy. And though I never had the chance to meet her, I find myself wanting to be like her as I aquire more years... full of life and just a little bit spicy.. (Matt requested that I make it perfectly clear that though he and Dolores had a hostel all to themselves back in France.. he did NOT sleep with her..)

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¨The camino has four parts,¨ Blas said, recounting the wisdom he had heard from a priest earlier on in his camino. ¨From St Jean to Burgos, a pilgrim is learning his body, adjusting to his backpack, his shoes, dealing with blisters and aches. From Burgos to Leon, his demons surface with the heat of the meseta, attacking and tearing him down from all sides. From Leon to Santiago, our pilgrim lifts his head and rebuilds himself, having learned from the force of his weaknessess. And finally, from Santiago to Finisterra, our pilgrim meets his new self.¨ Blas then added that the wise priest was on his second trip to Santiago because he had not been happy with the new self he met the first time.

I discovered on this camino that I actually carry a lot more sadness through my life than I was aware of. I have always been comfortable recounting details of my life as simple facts minus the sting, but somewhere between Burgos and Leon, I realized that I had merely been pretending. As the brutally hot meseta scorched my body, the stark monotony of the wheat fields forced my brain to analyze the state of my life. I am not ok with things as they are. I am tired of the fearful balancing act that is my relationship with my mother and I actually am hurt that my father still hasn´t acknowledged me as his daughter. I am frusterated with my need to bury myself in work each time a holiday rolls around in order to avoid reality.

The meseta forced thoughts of my husband as well. He is a good man with an unscarred soul and a paralyzing fear of elevators. When he steps into an elevator, and the doors shut behind him, he feels his heart rate speed and the walls close in. I feel the same about marriage.. and by ignoring the damage done by a less than ideal childhood, I am cheating my husband of having a real wife. I don´t how to be married or to be a mother and I fear every day that in trying, I will regress to what I grew up with. Marriage terrifies me as it gives me the perfect opportunity to fail loudly and miserably. And so rather than approach my marriage rationally as an adult, I have hidden like a child, filling my time to the max, accepting too many students, too many commitments, too many gigs, saying yes to everyone but my husband... turning my husband into just a roomate. St James may or may not have been a Moor slayer, but his meseta slays pilgrims everyday, causing us to water the dry cracked earth with our snot and tears.

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"Un, deux, trois.." Marion, Genevieve, Isabelle and I sat in a dusty, tiny town near the top of a mountain. "Huit, nuef, dix.." Goats walked past the door as Genevieve reached for the one remaining slice of cheese not touching the meat. "Onze, douze, treize.." I lifted my wineglass to wash down a delicious veggie paella. "Quinze, seize, dix-sept.." A man at the end of the table scratched obsessively at his bed bug bites. "Dix-huit, dix-neuf...DIX-NEUF!!" Isabelle looked up from picking her feet at the dinner table. "Est-ce que je pourrais  mourir a cause des ampoules!??" (Could I die from too many blisters??) As she pushed on one toe nail, puss squirted out the top.  A few days later, we bought cake and lit a candle in honour of Isabelle´s 20th blister.

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We have laid our stones and prayers down at Cruz de Ferro and as the hill of pilgrim´s stones appeared, I heard myself say "Oh no, I am not ready!" We have crossed into a lush misty Galicia and as we see the kilometer markers ticking from triple digits into mere double digits, we are looking to Santiago with wild anticipation and paralyzing fear. What versions of our lives will we go home to when we leave eachother and James behind..

These last few days have been a time for realizing how transient our final camino moments are. People who I was sure I had seen for the last time have turned up for one more conversation.  I said goodbye to Matt as he left for the next town, his eyes looking to see James in a matter of days. "We will keep in touch," we say as we reach for one last hug. He smiles brightly, blows a kiss, and heads off to meet his new self.

Blas and Leopold, two american boys who actually chose their alter ego blog names, turned up at the breakfast table at the top of a mountain. Along with the adorable young korean girl Jay, we spent the day walking together. Blas, an attractive college kid studying recording engineering on the east coast, had spent another day a couple weeks back chatting with me about music and potential career paths. His cousin, Leopold (seriously.. Leopold??) is a tall student of medieval history who occasionally goes into tour guide mode.. but he has such an endearing smile. Together they have a quirky sense of humor and a wrecklessness that allows them to take up any dare. Alongside Jay, with her cute clumsiness and innability to turn down food, we laughed all the way from O´Cebreiro to Triacastela. They made fun of me, Nico, and everyone else so effectively that I had to stop walking long enough to keep from peeing myself. Perhaps life is too funny to be sad.  

Isabelle has left us to rejoin her Michel and to fight for being in love. They have raced ahead along with Blas and Leopold to arrive in Santiago on July 25th..the feast day of Saint James. Nico will meet James on the night of the 24th and Matt will arrive to meet his parents on the 26th. Marion, Genevieve and I have our own grand plan for meeting Jim.. But I will write about that once implemented ;)  We are all racing for the chance to start our lives over; wiser, stronger, and with more compassion..

"What should I do about my husband?" I ask. James snort laughs a minute before responding, "You´re asking the wrong question. The real question is what should your husband do about you?" "Gee thanks Jim, you´re such an ass!" James winks, "Whatever you say Jen. But excuse me while I put the kettle on... you are nearly here."